heartsingarlic

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:18:54 GMT

it's too early for a diagnosis doctor,
but it seems as though her heart has stopped beating.

counting to a googol

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:34:35 GMT

toeing the line of the summer solstice
are you my Polaris. a north star for capricornus?

oh Zuma! I can’t stop my burning. can you see it? a smoke signal. sandy blanket to the flames. a cloud. a beach. an umbrella secret. our feet tangled. trace those words on my skin. you only mouthed in my direction on a whim.

I caught. I clasped. you with me. Coloring butterflies with crayons in the gallery. and have you also been caught? and counted. A watercolor where I, Iris, resting on your stem Narcissus, my phases. my hornet. my pomegranate.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 04:49:37 GMT

come home and tie my shoelaces. they've come undone.

Sat, 17 May 2008 03:15:42 GMT

a meal in which there are large chunks of ham. divorce paperwork. a man in the next room working an inflata-bed, vacuuming furiously.

we went grocery shopping together then came home and jogged. when have I ever known what I was doing? yet I expect things will be fine once I make it to PA. in my own strange way I'm fine now or going between being fine and not being fine.

he didn't want this to happen my husband was jailed today for jay-walking. in court he demanded an apology from the judge and was thrown out by the bailiff.

one of these days I'm going to stick it out with someone. until then I plan to demonstrate some restraint.

memories are poisonous anyway. the good, the bad, the ugly. relationships exist on habit and the cumulative weight of collapsed time. they're usually built on something that no longer exists, isn't real. maybe it's possible to overcome this together and live in the present.

or maybe relationships are meant to drag your ass down

new beginnings

Fri, 16 May 2008 03:03:58 GMT

A period of mourning will now commence.

I'll not be allowed to write anything happy for at least another lifetime.

addition

Fri, 16 May 2008 02:45:32 GMT

My closest approximation to the "right" thing to do has now been done. Part of me thinks I'm a lion for this, that I'm brave. The other part of me is doing addition. It's adding this evening to my list of regrets.

monopoly money

Wed, 14 May 2008 00:07:59 GMT

moving from one relationship to another, from one state to another. in some way I wonder whether this isn't just an exchange of imaginary money - one fantasy for another. numbers in bank accounts, debt that accumulates magically. did I work hard enough for it? did I work for it at all? is it real, exchangeable for another? have I paid or will I be paying for it later?

I imagine myself in a bathing suit.

Sat, 10 May 2008 03:05:59 GMT

I imagine myself in a bathing
suit but I do not want this

sitting by the edge of a pool
or taking laps the dilemma,

of course, the back and forth
coolly against my skin wanting

only guarantees loss hot and
indeed the naive fantasy is

meant to be sloughed off
in a cold shower the chlorine

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:39:12 GMT

Every night when you get home huh? Really? Every night? Thank goodness you checked it today or you may not have caught my most recent tragic post for another week at least...

Oh, save your sputtering, I'm allowed to tease.
And anyway I love the idea of you reading my journal. It's a sort of lop-sided, sporadic intimacy, but better than nothing.

domestic violence is a spectator sport

Tue, 06 May 2008 17:03:03 GMT

both of us watching, helplessly,
from a distance. our own actions

knight of cups

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 00:49:44 GMT

funny how easily want translates as need

how easy, despite having better sense, diving headfirst into heartache somehow remains

there's a table between you and I. on it, a knife.
either way I'm going to end up on the floor.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 01:49:01 GMT

I still miss my husband sometimes. He used to sing to me.

and it rained on my house _ all summer

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 01:25:46 GMT

my time with Paul has become precious. I marvel at the fact that his order is my chaos (hundreds of plastic drawers, unlabeled, with every color pen or mark-making material imaginable). somehow he makes sense of it. I've come to love his idiosyncrasies (price-check on isle three?). his artwork, his teaching always. we both wonder how I'll stay sane in Pittsburgh without him. so many beginnings. I have a strong belief in the shortness of life, yet mine is taking longer to resolve than I anticipated. I am the slowest person in a rush I know.

slow. really. nothing comes to me unless it is Absolutely Ready.

in some ways I think academia is a cop-out. it is so much easier to think when you have something to react to. independent thinking, despite circumstance and life-ritual is much harder, much more challenging. I've seen people overcome by it more often than not. by habit.

I've been reading interviews of my future poetry professor. BORDERS has found me surfing its shelves for a better dictionary. (I bought two, plus a new Thesaurus) I both resent and appreciate the fact that I've had to purchase books just to translate what the fuck these people are talking about.

something like cut flowers.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 21:58:59 GMT

accepting, without question, what comes to you

subject to change

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:42:00 GMT

As of now, I plan on leaving Atlanta in late September. Naturally, this brings up a lot with me. Been wasting a lot of time on future patrol, losing sleep. Hopefully I'll pull through for my self when it really matters, cause I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment.

Apology for Want

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 07:53:16 GMT

I can't accept I
had nothing to do with it
therefore, I apologize
for having been loved.

spontanious combustion

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 23:31:54 GMT

You'll be able to see me for miles - I'll put off that much smoke and Light.

18 years of channeling, of hiding, things in their places

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 00:23:22 GMT

I'm going to write about suicide ideation next, and why it's actually healthy.

Then I'm going to urge people to stop putting things off until tomorrow.

harmonica players are sexy and I like to cuss sometimes too

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 15:53:07 GMT

Sometimes it's just more important to go see a blues show. And fuck Psychology by the way, I need to stand up straight. Fuck over-the-top pleasure-seeking too. Maybe it's not such a god-damn celebration of life after all (and my ass is getting bigger...).

The comedy act which is my life. Scene 1:

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 18:25:28 GMT

Chicago in my blood. Art snobs all around. I think I’m turning into one.

I told someone recently that they shouldn’t wait to be in a relationship until they’re perfect because it’ll never happen. Then why do I have such high expectations for lovers and friends? How close do you have to get for God’s sake? Make me happy. Go ahead.

I’m angry and I want to tear things up. Maybe it’s always been this way. So keep your distance.

Just kidding. Go ahead, make me happy. Grow a tail and wag it for me.

Hold on, I have to go pop a few sleeping pills.

You think I’m jaded? You should see the one I left.

in bad taste

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 18:24:23 GMT

One of these days I’ll die and that will be that.

I amaze myself to no avail. I’m still unlovable.

I might as well say this too. Nobody knows me and even fewer give a damn.

I get sick pleasure from writing that.

I don’t give a fuck. People are idiots. Except sometimes I do.

I want to write a poem of contradictions. No, I don’t.

Hallelujah to bad taste.

Hallelujah to selfish orgasms.

Hallelujah to grilled cheese sandwiches after midnight

and snickering at my own jokes.

tentacles

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 17:04:57 GMT

I know people who can name off a set of characteristics they're attracted to. Physical attributes as well. They say, I like 'em tall, short, fat, thin, blond, etc. I've had no such anchors to my attractions. Or at least none that I would readily admit here. In some ways it's been good. Since the age of 16 I've been party to some of the strangest couplings one could imagine. I've learned a lot, experienced a lot and have few regrets. Now that I'm single, however, my sexuality is in overdrive. I find myself wishing I could restrain the many far-reaching tentacles of my desire.

superman

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 04:29:57 GMT

We saw Superman last night. We couldn't stop kissing in the theater. When we got out you picked me up and raised me high in the air. I accepted this bit of romance as I accepted your piece-meal dinners and breakfasts, stories told before bed, love-making. I even accepted the heat of your apartment as if it were a gift. These things were comforting and familiar. My sadness, my layered humor, and my homelessness were accepted too - though you resist talking about it. This was the general feel in the beginning. Explosive, tender exploration of each other. Thoughtfulness. Playfulness. But these have disintegrated over the past week and it's only been two.

Now you tell me I'm not allowed to have a long face so I tuck it away and replace it with one of antagonism and distrust. I'm beginning to resent the heat. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not such a good thing that you're as intelligent as you are. The intelligent ones have finer tuned methods of emotional thievery and manipulation. Maybe I'd rather be put on a pedestal than chiseled away at like some unfinished sculpture of yours. These feelings and worries are no doubt reactive - but it's hard to tease apart the lessons of our life from our base fears and associations.

The fact is the niceties of romance don't last. Protection and sensitivity will eventually give way to hurtfulness. Experience has taught me this again and again yet I still want to believe as I believed last night, for a moment, in Superman. The Hero. The Protector. The Savior. But men aren't safe (especially the ones you need to be) and they don't usually have the capacity or will to be protective in the idealistic sense. I wish they were. This is an admission I make through cringed teeth because I hate the idea of wanting protection from a man - or worse - saving. Who doesn't want these though - to be found and saved and protected? We're all a bit lost, a bit vulnerable, a bit useless.

First Entry

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 19:37:56 GMT

I want to be able to explore my writing in a different way and without it being (necessarily) connected to my other journal - which I'll maintain as before. If I've invited you here: welcome.